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The Christian Kit

February 17, 2012

If we here at hotdog theology are serious about anything (and we’re not usually serious), then we are serious about discipleship. We are particularly serious about the kind of discipleship that allows Christians to identify one another at first glance. Yes, that’s right: I am serious about discipleship as entrance into the Christian subculture.

You may be aware that in a bygone era, the Christian church was under persecution. In order to avoid scrutiny from the authorities, Christians would draw a fish symbol outside of their house in order to alert other Christians that a gathering was taking place inside. That fish persists today.

But can you imagine being that Christian who didn’t get the memo about the fish? You’d be wandering around and around, looking for the cross, or the hymnal, or the pipe organ, or whatever, not even noticing the Christian symbolism dangling in front of your face. Well, we no longer use fish to make some Christians feel excluded; there are other items in play. I think that all Christians should be given these in the form of a care package; an upgrade kit if you will. Let’s take a look at what would be inside this dense dose of dicipleship:

Clearly the first thing you’d need is a really cool Bible. That hardcover Adventure Bible you got in eighth grade confirmation class probably isn’t doing it for you anymore. You definitely need a chic, slimline leatherbound edition. Not that you’ll ever read it; that’s what your iPhone 4S with the YouVersion is for. Hello….you can’t tweet from a leatherbound Bible! If you’re an extra Pharisee, you might spring for the parallel Amplified/KJV, but, if you’re like most and can’t read at a very high level, go for the Message.

It’s also important that your feet be shod not only with the preparation of the gospel of peace, but also with Chacos. Chacos basically are the preparation of the gospel of peace, so get with the program. The fact they’ll stay on when your canoe capsizes during your youth group float trip is an extra bonus.

If you’re a girl, and sometimes even if you’re a guy, you need–NEED I say!–a worship scarf. You know the one I mean. It’s that plaid or stripey scarf worn in all types of climate that says “I’m either on the worship team or want to be.” In fact, rumor has it that the scarf is more necessary than musical skill for inclusion in the stage party. Making your own or buying on Etsy is preferred. Just don’t do Target. That kind of stuff can get you kicked off the team before you know it.

If you’re a guy, don’t forget that at some point in your walk with Christ, you need to develop a soul patch, especially if you’re in to reaching the youth. No chin hair as such is required; just keep developing that flavor saver. Oh, and since we’re Christians, we won’t make you feel bad by telling you it looks terrible. That would be mean.

For the committed Christian dating couple, there’s only once choice. That choice is McDonald’s. It’s probably all you can afford. But the other choice is James Avery. You have to make sure you get a sterling silver cross ring to show that you love both Jesus and your boyfriend. Or you can choose to get amazing matching Hebrew rings. That’s what I did. There’s no better way to say “I love you, but you won’t be able to read it.”

Consider also a Christian tatoo. The days of the dove, fish, and cross are done, but the era of the Hebrew or Greek scripture is just dawning. Just make sure you do your homework. I know someone who intended to get “Moriah” printed in Hebrew on a T-Shirt but the printer ended up inverting the consonants. Their shirts instead read “Horem.” I didn’t have the heart to tell them to their face. Just make sure you don’t put “horem” on your face. Fact check, fact check, fact check.

You’ll especially want to make sure that your iTunes are up to date. You wouldn’t want to get caught dead listening to something from more than three years ago if you can help it. Stock up with Jesus Culture and the new Gungor. Move David Crowder to the archives (sorry, buddy. But I did some research and it confirmed that even though I still like you, you’re starting to be seen as a bit dated. Nobody was more surprised than me.) Mix in some Passion or something fancy from Australia that nobody’s ever heard of. It’s the right thing to do.

Oh–and one more thing. Every Christian kit needs to include an irrationally passionate opinion on Mark Driscoll. It doesn’t even matter if you’re for him or agianst him; just make sure that you’re not lukewarm. Revelation 3:16, amirite?

Oh–and one more one more thing. Make sure that you’re not a Republican. That’s so passe–so parental. The Christian left is where it’s at. Make sure you focus on Jesus’ help for the needy and the poor as often as possible; just try not to actually involve yourself with anyone less fortunate than you.

I’m pretty sure that if you do these things, you’ll blend in nicely into our Christian society. 1 John says that we will know we are Christians by our love, but that’s hard work. So slip into your Christian culture; it’s much more comfortable.


11 Comments leave one →
  1. Brooke permalink
    February 17, 2012 1:30 am

    This post not only made me laugh, but feel seriously convicted. Oh buz hannon, you have done it yet again.

    • February 17, 2012 2:45 pm

      Glad to have you back on the hotdog theology bandwagon.

  2. February 17, 2012 8:02 am

    Loved this…

    • February 17, 2012 2:44 pm

      Just remember your love when I pass the plate down your row.

  3. Dave permalink
    February 17, 2012 11:30 am

    Jesus loves taxes – ha! Buz, I’m so glad you didn’t let my lack of enthusiasm keep you from starting all this…

    Also, “tattoo”.

    • February 17, 2012 2:44 pm

      It’s the least I can do after my weirdo prophecy text message incident.

  4. February 22, 2012 12:53 am

    Great post!

    My GOP earrings, loafers, and love for Days of Elijah have made me question if I’m a good Christian on more than one occasion.

    • February 24, 2012 8:14 pm

      I’m not sure if the Days of Elijah makes you not a Christian or an extra Christian.

      I’m more sure about the GOP earrings.

  5. kyle g. hansen permalink
    February 24, 2012 7:42 pm

    I have a hebrew ring, and i have the latest gungor songs – good job with the stereotyping in general, it is not always easy.

    • February 24, 2012 8:15 pm

      I also have both of those things. And actually most of the things I list in the post.

      To do better stereotyping, I did some interviews. What’s funny is that the items that I had listed for “cool, modern music” all turned up on everyone else’s “outdated, uncool music.”


  6. March 15, 2012 1:22 am

    Hilarious stuff here….keep em coming!

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